Charge of the Gringo Brigade
Aside from the physical debilitation and general sense of helplessness, one of the most demoralizing things about being sick is that your thoughts are not your own. Take the songs that have been stuck in my fevered brain for the past 3 days. They include “All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun” by Sheryl Crow, “Summer Breeze” by Seals and Crofts and that song with the chorus that goes “Why you have to go and make things so complicated?”.
This morning however I felt like a new man. I slept straight through the night for a full 10 hours, a welcomed change of pace from the last couple of nights where I was jumping out of bed a dozen times to vomit from either end, if you catch my drift. I thought that I was going to be out of commission for another few days at the least, but literally overnight my stomach settled and my fever broke. When I opened my eyes this morning I knew that I was back because this was the song that in my head:
[wpyt_profile1]jgqxQmAbTBc[/wpyt_profile1]
That’s right. The Trooper - a heavy metal classic by Iron Maiden.
Having spent the last 3 days in bed as a useless lump of gaseous putty, eating nothing except pasta, jello and counterfeit cornflakes, I was ready to go. I charged out into La Paz and rescheduled everything I had been planning to do. They are, in this order:
First, I am cycling down The World’s Most Dangerous Road on Tuesday.
The road is actually known as The North Yungas Road but got its more informal appellation thanks to a comment by the Inter-American Development Bank in 1995. It was constructed back in the 30s by captured Paraguayan prisoners of war. Well you know they say - you get what you pay for. Single lane width in most places, treacherous turns, no guardrails, deadly drop-offs and insane or drunk Bolivian drivers all contributed to the shocking mortality rate, which by some estimates was as high as 300 deaths a year. Unlike the rest of Bolivia, vehicles drive on the left hand side of The World’s Most Dangerous Road so that drivers coming downhill would moderate their speed and could stick their heads out the window to better judge how close their wheels were to the edge of the cliff. In 2006 a bypass was constructed so now the road is used primarily by cycling thrill-seekers, but some Bolivian drivers still opt to try their luck.
Odds of ending up as road kill or peddling straight off the mountain: 1 in 200
Assuming survival, I have a 2 day hike up the face of Huayna Potosi on Wednesday-Thursday.
At 6,088 meters, this is the highest summit in the world that you have a chance of successfully traversing without any mountaineering training or a Swiss passport (damn those guys are good climbers). While not technically difficult, between the thin air, glacial conditions, and the 2AM starting time for the main leg of the hike, it is a formidable obstacle. When I told the guy at the office that I had no experience and none of the required gear he said, “Don’t worry, no experience is necessary and we provide you with protective clothing, ice picks, crampons.” To which I replied, “Why would I need crayons?”
Odds of freezing to death, accidentally picking myself, or being attacked by a Yeti: 1 in 150
Assuming survival, next up is a visit to the inside of the San Pedro Prison on Friday.
This is not exactly legal, but it is quite a bustling little underground business here in La Paz. After bribing the guards to let you in, you meet your tour guide, who is actually one of the prisoners, and he escorts you around the inside of the jail. The draw of this “tour” is not to gawk at the prisoners, some of whom are hardened criminals sentenced for violent offenses, but to see a fascinating slice of Bolivian life. Reportedly, the inside of the jail is a microcosm of Bolivian society. There are rich and poor neighborhoods and the cells are bought and sold not unlike houses. Moneyed drug traffickers and corrupt politicians (including one former mayor of La Paz) live in spacious cells while indigent prisoners sleep in the corridors. Prisoners freely mingle with each other, and if they are so inclined, with you, in the many shops and restaurants throughout the prison. Rumor has it there is even a billiards hall, but I refuse to believe that the Bolivian authorities would be stupid enough to put into a prison the one place where a fight breaks out in every movie ever made.
Odds of being shanked with a broken pool cue or taken hostage in a prison riot and forced to perform profoundly un-Biblical acts: even money
Historical footnote: The aforementioned Iron Maiden track was written about the disastrous charge of one of the British light brigades during the Crimean War. Having misconstrued the orders on where to stage an assault, the brigade raced headlong into a heavily fortified Russian position. They managed to engage the enemy briefly, but the unit was decimated. The event was later immortalised in the poem The Charge of the Light Brigade by Lord Alfred Tennyson, which, should anyone actually want to sit through the video clip, is laced throughout.
Parting Note: Should I end up with a similar fate someone please contact Iron Maiden or a snooty British poet to immortalise my heroics.